Like A Bull in a China Shop
by silverpen693
Summary: As Cullen drills the men in Skyhold, Iron Bull comes to offer his friend advice on relationships - Bull style.


It was a relatively quiet day in Skyhold. The Inquisitor had been gone for a few days now, taking Dorian, Sera and Cassandra with her to investigate sightings of more rifts along the Western Approach. When she was gone, a certain peace often fell over the keep, with fewer visiting delegations to placate, less business that could be decided and infinitely fewer distractions for Cullen himself.

He took the opportunity to schedule additional drills for some of the more promising recruits. Thankfully most of those he had earmarked for potential promotion in Haven had survived Corypheus' attack and the subsequent long, hard trek through the hills. That said, the Inquisition was growing fast, with recruits flowing in from every area Alyssa visited, thankful to her not only for saving them from the rifts but often for the small acts of kindnesses she did while she was there.

He remembered with a smile how frustrated Cassandra had been with her for "wasting time" trekking miles out of their way just to lay flowers on the grave of a much loved mount. Alyssa had confessed to him one day when they played chess together that it was the opportunity to do those kinds of things that made her able to face the day.

"I don' t think I could make myself get out of bed every morning if all I had to look forward to was killing outlaws or killing demons, or killing venatori. Sometimes all that death is..." She gave a little shudder. "I never thought in my wildest nightmares that so much of my life would be about killing people, killing things.."

He had frowned when she said that. "You do know that in doing that you are saving so many lives, returning their homes, their incomes.."

"Yes but that can seem so abstract sometimes. Putting those flowers on that grave, knowing he trusted me to do him that small act of kindness. That was real. And it was normal. Something any kind person might do for another. It made me happy." she said simply.

Cullen was all for anything that made her happy. And, in truth, when he heard the recruits talk of her it was rarely the big stuff they mentioned. It was how she had stopped to return a farmer's prize bronto, which had strayed too close to the rift to be rescued. It was how she had gone out of her way to return a ring long lost in the scramble to escape danger. They believed in the Inquisition because of the big stuff. They loved Alyssa because of the small stuff.

As he walked round, pondering these thoughts, he took time to notice and praise the progress they were making, while suggesting ways they could improve. When necessary he demonstrated himself. He remembered their names, he offered assignments and asked after their families when they stopped to rest and regain their breath.

Just as he was beginning to wind up the session, he looked over the courtyard and saw Bull striding towards him, undoubtedly coming to put Cullen through his paces. He enjoyed sparring with him. Fighting the Qunari taught him new ways to fight and kept his fighting skills well honed. It also often left him covered in new bruises and he wished he had put thicker padding on today.

"You're not a virgin are you , boss?" the tall Qunari bellowed, grinning, as he approached. Cullen froze in place as the men around him tried to hide their smiles, irked that Bull had a tendency to forget that - technically at least - Cullen was his superior and that there were some things that you just didn't say to your "boss".

"My past or present sex life is not a topic I am willing to discuss with you, Bull, especially here" he said, ice dripping from his voice and the kind of forbidding expression in his eyes that had the men around him scurrying to continue with what they were doing.

Trouble was, for a Qunari, Bull had little toleration for maintaining his "place" in society.

"Hmmm." he answered, slapping the Fereldan on the shoulders. "Trouble is, boss, here is the only place to find you. And, I keep asking myself, if he isn't a virgin, why doesn't he give the Herald a bit of what she wants!"

Damn it, Cullen thought. Does he even have a lower register? The men around him were pretending to continue with the drill but Cullen was all too aware that their real attention was on him.

Sighing, he dismissed the men and turned to Bull.

"I don't know what you're on about."

Bull's eyes gleamed. "First, I think, maybe he isn't interested. And I think, all the better for me!" he roared with laughter.

The men weren't moving, Cullen thought. A small flush was rising in his cheeks and he stroked the back of his neck nervously. Maker, how do I end this conversation., he thought.

"But, I see you watching that ass, the way she shimmies across the room, so I know that's not the problem.."

Cullen glared, as the recruits tried to hide their laughter.

"She is the Herald of Andraste, the Inquisitor. I would certainly never look at her in that way.. I mean , it wouldn't be at all suitable..." Oh Maker, he was stumbling over his words like a teenager. "Really, Bull, this is not a good time.."

"So, I think, it must be the magic thing, right?" He waved massive fingers suggestively. "I get that. Still creeps me out seeing all them mages just .." he gestured vaguely. "But I dunno, that just don't seem right. So, what is it? You prefer men?"

"No!" Cullen was astounded. Maker why wouldn't the ground just swallow him up.

The recruits were openly watching now, delighted grins on their faces.

"So" Bull continued relentlessly, leaning against Cullen's shoulder. "The only thing that makes sense is that you are a virgin! You are nervous, yes? Unsure how to satisfy her! Don't want to get it wrong! Come!" he pulled Cullen in the direction of the small inn that had become everyone's leisure destination. "I know a lovely redhead who will be happy to help!"

Cullen wanted to find a corner to go and die in. How, in the Maker's name, did he find himself in this particular version of his private hell. How could Bull do this to Alyssa? Make her the figure of such gossip? What if she heard about this? Maker, of course she was going to hear about it. Gossip like that would make it's way round the Keep faster than a lightning bolt.

He turned furiously on Bull. "I do not need your help in that department" he bit out.

Bull's eyes were gleaming with laughter. "Then, you really should make your move, boy - before someone else does!" He grunted, gesturing suggestively then guffawed loudly again. "C'mon," he bellowed "It's my round of drinks lads."

The dismissed recruits gathered up their gear, smiling as they saw Cullen glaring at them. It was good to know he was human after all.


End file.
